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Farts are applause for an inside joke.

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Monogamy: It’s not for everyone.

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Me when I get my hair just right.

(via GIPHY)

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Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

Victor Hugo
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No time like the present = I left the past for a reason and I can’t promise I’ll be there for the future.

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Things One Should NOT Do After A Drunken Dance Party
an old list by Mighty Mike McGee

1a: Drive an automobile or operate heavy machinery.

1b. Text message your ex to let her know you saw her new relationship status on Facebook and it makes sense why she’s ignoring you when you guys were doing great communicating a few weeks earlier.

2. Agree to run for president or city council. Mayoralship is acceptable when inebriated.

3. Miss people who don’t love you.

4. Accept loneliness as your “lot in life.”

5. Miss women who do love you, but live across world.

6. Froget to drink water.

7. Fall for lady poets.

8. Keep wanting to dance at 4 in them morning.

9. Write a list poem.

10. Fanta Size about making out with mouths/vulvas.

11. stop dreamig of getting a mini 2 feet tall girafe as pet,/ Dont EVER stop!

12. dgliytyon 23 elf becuse yo

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Dialogue While I Make Soup In My Empty House

SASSY ME: What’s better than a butt?
REGULAR ME: Oooh, I don’t know! What?
SASSY ME: Three butts!
REGULAR ME: So true…

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I mean, what’s the exclamation point of it all?

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I’d love to handle your love handles.

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Loss

I wish that losing
the best thing
that ever happened
to me
wasn’t the best thing
that ever happened to me